but are you sure

i am a grayscale painting
   with purple accents
 
yes but are you sure
   they whisper
maybe if you--
 
no
 
don’t think that i have not
(don’t think that i have to)
 
because i did
   before i knew better
 
i kissed a boy on prom night
   or, rather
he kissed me
 
and i felt nothing
   but the press of lips
   like dying fish
   flopping, gasping
   indignant and unwanted
but i said nothing and kissed back

it seemed the right thing to do

in college, i kissed a girl 
sweet and brown and drunk
her lips like vodka hot chocolate
   and almost thought it was okay

she was jokes and laughter and movie dates
she was my friend
   she still is
but i felt nothing

i kept trying, though
   to find solutions
   to problems i didn’t have

i kissed a man at a club
let him touch me
in places i didn’t touch myself
   and
   it
   was
   no
   different
 
but i let him
suffered his fingers and his tongue
   and wondered what i should be feeling

and then later
much later
   yet no time at all

i tried to kiss a woman
   all curves and boots
   and fierce tattoos
but she wanted more
and i let her take me apart
 
and not put me back together
 
because i
   didn’t think no was normal
 
because i
   just wanted to be normal

and hadn’t realized yet
   i already was

Originally Published in ​Rag Queen Periodical